Even this.
In my mind's eye, I see myself stepping through a portal. The opening through which I've come softly closes behind me as I gaze about in wonder at this new land, this never-before-experienced world where I, as a middle-aged woman, feel both bewilderment and excitement. It's rather like the scene in the Wizard of Oz movie when Dorothy steps out of her black & white world and sees color for the first time. I am eager to begin my new life, my journey to discover who I am in Christ, yet I am tempted to keep a foot stuck in that portal - reluctant to completely separate myself from my black & white world where life is familiar, even if it's not all that comfortable or safe. But it's familiar - and in that, I find security.
Perhaps I should back up a bit and explain a few things. At this point in my life, I am not a new convert to Christianity. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour in April 1984 and have been walking with Him these past 27+ years. True -- I have not always walked with both feet on the path, so to speak. There have been times of stumbling, times of wandering and times of firmly marching the straight-and-narrow - but Jesus has been walking with me every step of the way. And during those times when my feet left the path, I believe He waited patiently for my return, always ready and eager to reach out His hand and pull me close when I'd lose my way and call out to Him. Like a lost lamb bleating for her Shepherd.
Given our history together then, why do I claim that I am now breaking out of bondage to sin? Didn't I do that when I got saved? Well yes, in one way I did. When I humbled myself before the Lord, confessed my sins and sought His forgiveness, He literally wiped the slate clean; removed my sin as far as the east is from the west. But I have come to realize that when we ask Jesus to come live in us and we become GOD's child and a fellow-heir with Christ, that doesn't mean the rest of our lives will be perfect, or that WE will be perfect because of our salvation. It is a life-long process. Things happen - good and evil - that the Father uses to shape us and mold us into the image of the Son. In some ways, over the years I have come to resemble Jesus -- but there is still part of my character that is pharisaical (judgemental, critical, etc) and that has caused me to behave in way that does not display the Christ-like characteristics of love, mercy and grace. That, right there, is a big part of the darkness I'm choosing to leave behind.
Another part of the life I'm leaving behind, is that of being a wife. After a nearly 20-year relationship - 17 of them as Husband & wife - it was agreed yesterday that we will dissolve our union. To be honest, I am heart-broken as I love my Husband very much -- but I am not "broken" because of this. My heart is somewhat fragile and tender at the moment, but though this season of my life is ending, I'm still here and I know GOD has something planned for me. Something far grander than I can even imagine. It is my hope and prayer that my Beloved and I will one day be reunited and our marriage restored, but how it all turns out will be revealed in time.
In GOD's perfect time.
Meanwhile, I look forward to learning more about who "kimmie" really is; about how my Abba-Father sees me. I offer myself up to Him, to become all that He has created me to be. As I begin this new part of my life, I pray that all that I do and have and am will bring glory, honor and praise to His Name and will draw others to the saving love of Jesus Christ.
Thanks for joining me on my journey ~ klb
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